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Bitch in the Black Jetta
Remember me? The guy in the red Focus screaming at the top of my lungs while you sat cluelessly at the turning light on Santa Monica and San Vicente? While you were yapping you made me miss two lights. From the looks of you, there would be no reason for you to be on the phone. Besides looking like a frog, you couldn’t possible have a job or friends. Put the phone down and drive, dammit! Here’s hoping you get a blowout on the freeway between two big rigs. I would say you suck, but that would only be a compliment. How bout trying to go down Laurel Canyon with no brakes. Hate, Ken.

Chris
Could you please try to make your own friends? I’m tired of having to have you hang around my friends when you are oh so boring. You notice that when you arrive, everybody suddenly has something to do or need to go? Get a personality transplant. Hate, Joey.

Abbey on Friday 9/27
Me: Blond twink, Abercrombie shirt, jeans and dazzling smile. You: Preppy college stud with White shirt and slacks, hanging around two Asian guys. I started to talk to you but your less than attractive friends got jealous. Would love to hook up with you sans baggage. Your lips were amazing. I could put them to good use. Leave the bitch patrol at home where they belong. Without them, you could be one lucky man. Love, karl24la@yahoo.com.

Clueless Coworker
So the fact that you have no life whatsoever gives you the right to make everyone else miserable? I’m so sick of your whining I could shoot you. There are dead people who could use your body for good. Do yourself a favor and get a job testing land mines. And one more thing, please stop wearing A&F, it’s false advertising. Hate, The entire office.

Mi Papi
Happy Anniversary! Although we have a problem communicating, I love every minute we spend together. I hope someday I can meet your family, but I know you’re not comfortable with that yet. Everything has been so wonderful this past year. I’m taking Spanish classes to help. Your English is getting better every day. Keep up the good work! Can’t wait for you to get home every night. You make my life so very complete. Love, Scott.

Happy Birthday, Sam!
Now that you’re turning 26 again you still look fabulous. Don’t worry, you are flawless. Now if you can just get rid of that loser boyfriend of your, all would be well. Here’s wishing you get laid on your birthday and dump that weasel. Love, the boys.

Stroll Troll
I honked twice at the corner of Hancock and Santa Monica Boulevard and your STILL didn’t stop talking while you held up traffic. Besides the fact that your ugly 400 year old White Mercedes isn’t going to help you pick up anything but a cold, your clueless ass couldn’t have enough cash to buy that thing you were talking to anyway. Get a clue. Hate, Roger.

Good Bi?
The cute bartender at Abbey. What’s your deal? You won’t say if you’re gay or not. Back bar by the bathrooms. You’re gorgeous enough to be gay, but I’m not sure. Working both sides of the fence, or is it just a way to make tips? I don’t know if that pisses me off or not. And what’s the deal with no stools at the bar? How can I work you if I keep getting pushed aside while you sling drinks? I want to get to know you. I’m going to introduce myself. I work at Disney and am 24, usually in a red tank top. I’m going to mention this in a conversation. See if you respond. Love, Eric.

Useless Circuit Boy
Now you’re 40 and you look like shit. Thought crystal wouldn’t affect you, huh? Now you’ve got a loser job at West Hollywood City Hall, you desk sitting, non-answering the phone, hanging out in the back of Tomkat giving blow jobs, hyprocritical friendless piece of crap. It’s too bad that they’ve found a way to keep your pathetic ass living. All that mess you were talking the last few years is finally catching up to you. I’m so glad that the tides are turning. Nobody will go out with your crusty ass now. Hooray! Hate, Dan from
Hollywood Hills.

Scotty @ Roosterfish
I’ve got the hots for you bad. Pool table on Saturday, 9/28. I was in shorts and Nike t-shirt. We talked for a while, but you left with your friends. I was hoping that you came back. I can’t believe I didn’t get your phone number. Please contact me. Love, alfawlton@hotmail.com

Just Friends?
Hey, you heartbreaker! I still can’t believe that I let you stick your tongue down my throat in the bathroom at Revolver. I let you make plans in my mind and then at the end of the night, you walk out with your boyfriend. I enjoyed every second of it. Unfortunately, the party’s over. You gave me your card, and I left a message for you. I hope you call. Even though you have a husband, I’m not looking for anything serious. I need a minor distraction from my graduate work. I study most of the time, but need some release. Interested? Check your voicemail at work. My number is there. We can be “just friends” and still mess around. Balls in your court. So what do you think? Love, Peter.

Manny
Where are you? It’s your 1st love. I had a dream about you and I was worried. Just wanted to see if you are ok. Is Buttons alright? I miss that darn cat! I’m so sorry that things worked out the way they did. I never meant to hurt you. I can’t believe that I still feel the way I do about you since I first laid eyes on you five years ago. I thought I wanted something else, but didn’t realize what I had in you. I messed up big time. We could never be together (or could we?) so I won’t ask. Call me at my office. I hope you still have the number. I’m worried about you. Love, Mark.

Kevin
How dare you do this to me? I know you are childish, and spiteful but you’ve really sunk to a all new low. When will you grow up? When will you see that you are the problem, too? When will you stop being a persona and start being a person. I hate all your lies. Why do I continue to love you? I’m sick too. What a world we live in. I hope I have the courage to leave you. Until then, try to be honest. Love and Hate, Ron.

Motherlode Flies
I can’t believe you washed up losers still sit around them making the place so ugly nobody wants to go there. And you talk about everybody like you’re so gorgeous. Shut your hole and just drink. It’s ok to be unattractive, but leave me alone. I don’t mind the conversation, but quit touching me. Get your act together. Hate, Brian S.

Dearest Marty
I’d love to talk to you. I saw you at Starbucks by the Ramada and saw that you didn’t have the old ball and chain with you. I heard you two broke up, but didn’t think it was true until I saw you. From the rumors, your boyfriend really did a number on you. Don’t know if you can trust another man, but I’d sure like to try. We’ve always been cordial, but I never had enough nerve to really tell you how I felt about you. Let’s have coffee or something. You know the number. No strings attached. Just want to get a dialog going. I still live in Silverlake. And still have the pup, but he’s big now. Love, Sean.

Boom Boom Jerk
I waited and waited on that damn beach for you. What pissed me off even more is that I found out from your friend no less, that you’re not a doctor, but a sorry-assed LVN working cleaning up some soiled assed Seniors in Glendale. Why lie? You should know that people are going to find out the truth regardless of your slimy stories. I feel sorry for you. You’ll never find love being an asshole. Hate, Johnny.

Drop the Needle, Tim
You are such a tragic Kurt Cobain wannabe. Do you know just how ridiculous you’re going to look like in a few years? It’s pathetic that you think that you have to go through these body piercings and tattoos to make you feel good about yourself. Maybe try going back to school and getting a job? Most of our inner circle know what you’re doing for money. I can’t believe that you gave up all of what you had. You’re a moron. Being a prostitute isn’t glamourous. It’s what talentless people do before they go to jail or become homeless. Get some help. Hate, Joe.