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Granted, I shall more than likely lose my gay card after spewing my vitriol upon the latest Madonna offering, but oh, what the hell. We need another icon about now.

After the unlikely victory of ``Evita'' (1996), I had hoped Madonna would take her ill-gotten Golden Globe Award and exit in the shadows of the soon to be forgotten.

But queasy filmgoers and die-hard Madonna fans were then subjected to the bomb "The Next Best Thing'' (2000) and are now subjected to something much worse - "Swept Away."

At this point, Madonna most resembles a spiteful child who simply will not take no for an answer.
Madonna's husband, Guy Ritchie, is predictably the director of her latest effort. Ritchie made his mark with ``Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels'' (1998), a stylishly derivative, cartoonishly violent romp. His encore effort, the suavely titled ``Snatch'' (2000), is in essence a remake of his first film but with Brad Pitt. His latest film is a soulless remake of ``Swept Away . . . by an unusual destiny in the blue sea of August,'' a terrific, time-specific 1975 comedy about gender warfare by Italian filmmaker Lina Wertmuller (``Seven Beauties'').

Wertmuller's film strands a haughty northern Italian socialite (the magnificently bronzed goddess Mariangela Melato) and the hotheaded Sicilian crew member (Giancarlo Giannini) she had taunted on her husband's yacht on a deserted Mediterranean isle and let nature take its course. The result was an incendiary Marxist-Freudian ``Taming of the Shrew.''
Ritchie's deracinated ``Swept Away,'' which is about 30 minutes shorter than Wertmuller's film, follows the same plot line but tones down the fire and gender violence.

Madonna looks absolutely bizarre with cleavage, muscle and protruding ribs playing Amber, the spoiled, abusive, foul-mouthed wife (what a stretch - but she can't even act in a role which doesn't require acting) of a pharmaceuticals baron (Bruce Greenwood). In the role made famous by Giannini, who made a credible bid to rival Marcello Mastroianni in people's hearts, Ritchie has cast Giannini's son, Adriano, who is notably younger than Madonna.

On a boat chartered by rich, decadent Americans to take them to Italy, Giannini's Pepe Esposito declares class warfare against Amber after she taunts him by calling him ``Pee-Pee'' and ``Guido'' and spurning the fish he catches for dinner. Third graders could come up with more clever insults.

On the isle, Pepe's skills as an outdoorsman give him the advantage and he takes it. He slaps Amber in the face twice and in another scene almost forces himself on her (these scenes are not as funny as they might have seemed in 1975). In the state of nature, power shifts to the worker. But at this point in the movie, we want Madonna to be slapped.

Soon, Amber is kissing Pepe's hands and feet, and the two embark upon a torrid affair.

But the chemistry is not there. The ``Zorba the Greek''-style music might sound retro-hip to the British Ritchie, but it's inappropriate, and in one particularly gratuitous sequence, Pepe imagines Amber dressed in a swirling, golden Versace party dress and serenading him (thankfully, Madonna doesn't sing; she lip-syncs Della Reese's 1961 version of ``Come On-A My House'').

The handsome Giannini is good, perhaps because he re-creates his father's performance with such filial devotion and love. But let's face it. Madonna just can't act. We try, and we try, but it just isn't there. And I'm being kind. It's sort of like Survivor crossed with Fear Factor. They're on an island, but there's vile parts being fed (Madonna's acting) but we watch. Perhaps for the last time.

I just want to know WHAT WERE THEY THINKING! A remake of any kind by the Inferior Girl should have been nixed. Even the dailies should have given an indication that this film should have been lost at sea. No script rewrite could have saved this film. Only a casting change. But I suppose we know who wears the pants in the Ritchie household.

Of the three women in "Swept Away,'' one is a moronic boy-toy, another a sluttish drug addict and the third a castrating shrew. I would find being castrated much more enjoyable than watching this film. No, really I would.